Shaking off the cobwebs and the debacles

Went back to bed, had a dream about Ann...not a good one, but the mere fact that I am seeing her make a return to my dreamstate means I am more resolved to that debacle.

I feel a soliloquy coming on.

I joke sometimes that, as a twice divorced man I am "between debacles". Actually, I think I overuse that term. I'd publish a list of what I think are the biggest mistakes I've ever made, but that would be like publishing a list of every woman I've ever been in love with, in any order other than alphabetical.

Some would call me a liar, some would be hurt and some would be angry. As usual, my desire to not hurt feelings dominates and creates a trap, as when Robin asked me to shelve my memoir, as she has never told her new husband about our old history. And, how many times have I shouldered the blame for something I had nothing to do with, just to deflect the fire from frailer psyches? Thomas is right, I am into doing penance.

But, it is an ennobling trap. I once told someone close to me that the one thing I wish for her is that never in this life she knows the whole truth, for that is an abyss that most spend their lives avoiding.

I am content with my role and have spent my seasons examining the darkness, not for my own edification, but to know the nature of where, from time to time, I must go to drag others out of it.

Tough job. And, I have found, a thankless job. But it does make for some good writing. I do wish sometimes this were not my place in the world, but I do not judge the overall design that was woven with omniscient hands.

We believe what is in our best interests to believe, unless we accept the fact that the truth is not always under our control. I know so many people who believe better of me or worse of me than is based in fact, but they have chosen what they have chosen for expediencies other than truth.

I pity them. And envy them. And love them.