Saturday Evening Thunderstorms

Well, I am getting good initial response to my release of a complemetary eBook of INVOCATO, so much so I may need to expand the program. I am delighted.

I am placing so much of my emotional energy into the editing of the two new books that I have little fire left to write with. I know this will change in the next several weeks, but it is still a point of frustration for me.

I think I will do something. Something odd. Then, document the results here. Like my life isn't odd enough already. I am considering looking up a list of people who have, in the past, inspired my work, people who I have lost track of...and seeing if I can find them, and what they have to say. I've been toying with the idea for some time (someone who lurks is probably right now reading this and cringing).

I commented the other day to someone that the main difference between LA and Morgantown is the culture of competition. In LA you are expected to compete, to achieve. You are encouraged, even by your competitors, to come out swinging and show what you've got. In Morgantown, there is a strong current of suppression. You are encouraged to sit in the back of the room and be quiet. Don't make waves. Don't compete. I have not yet reached a full understanding of the root of this, but it is a palpable thing.

I think it has to do with a fear of change, that somehow anyone who evolves threatens the order of things, and that at the pinnacle, the cultural power is held by those who wish things to stay the same, in Morgantown. In LA they have learned that change is inevitable, and thus the power resides with those most adaptable to change. And because they know how to harness the change, they encourage and support it.

It is a curious dichotomy, as one normally suspects that the larger an organism is, even a cultural organism, the more resistant to change it is, and that agility is the main power of a small organism.

I remember when I worked at the bank, the officers of the local banks were all gung-ho about changing the state laws to allow branch banking...expecting that they would gobble up smaller banks. The laws got changed and they got gobbled up by even larger banks. Perhaps this sort of thing instills the big fish in the small ponds a fear that drives them to assiduously defend their waters, afraid that anyone who brings anything new to the mix is trying to take something from them.

People forget that humans do not dominate the world through caution, but through boldness and adaptation. Those who scurry into corners and erect artificial imprediments to change one day emerge from their caves to find themselves irrelevent to a world that went on without them. Hiding from the sunshine doesn't make it go away. It merely removes you from the equation.

I wish I was not so cut off from so many people I have worked so hard to help and have sacrificed so much to their benefit. I would be angry for the insult, were it not for the sorrow that permeates it. Not depressed, but sorrowful.

To quote one person, when they explained where they had failed in life, "I did what I could." Maybe I have not righted every wrong, fixed every broken wing - but I will, in the harshest and most honest light, weigh what I have accomplished in helping others against the damage I have done from my failings. Yes, my wings have been as "oft leathery as feathery", but I have kept leash on myself when the darkness was upon me and given myself free rein when the opportunity has been to help.

I grow weary of slander. Weary enough to find my voice, perhaps. That would be interesting...to speak not only truthfully, but forthrightly. To shine the light in the dark corners.

The problem is, much damage would be done to individuals whose worst fault seems to be a willingness to hide, and I have problems, without higher purpose than my own vindication, defending myself. A bitter paradox, but worth examining.

Sometime, soon. Several significant anniversaries are approaching, and such days mark ample emotional feed for my contemplations.