The Joe Gideon Effect

When asked what my favourite movie of all time is, most people assume, as I worked for a time as a film reviewer for America Online's "Roadside USA" (you shoulda read my trashings of "Waterworld" and "Showgirls") that my first choice would be an epic film like "Spartacus" or "The Godfather", or a foreign film, like "The Bicycle Thief" of "The Cabinet of Doctor Caligari", or even something of pedestrian tastes, like "Star Wars" (no insult to the film, it is great for what it is, and, as "Stagecoach" with the Western, ushered in an entire genre).

But no. My favourite is "All That Jazz", Bob Fosse's semi-autobiographical dark musical about excess, self-loathing and the creative spark.

Why? Well, my first ex-wife would tell you it is because I am Joe Gideon (the lead chacter and Fosse's avatar), a self-obsessed womanizer who can't control his impulses. Yawn. Too simple a pigeon-holing. I'm right now in my second period of abstinence that I have ushered into my life (the first lasted over a year, this one has last nearly a year and a half). Joe Gideon would have never gone without sex that long. Besides, he was a heavy drinker and a pill head. To compare a guy who has never even had a beer and won't take prescription meds with codeine in them, I think that's a stretch. Plus, I can't dance...although I would love to learn if any woman would like to step up to the job.

My second ex-wife will tell you it's because...well, she won't tell you anything...I don't think, in over six years of marriage, she ever sat down and watched the thing. Perhaps that is more telling...I got involved with a woman who was, while attracted by my public persona as a creative artist, did not know or care about the human being trapped inside that shell. Trust me, the more I stew on that point the more time I spend hitting myself in the forehead with a coal shovel.

My daughter would tell you it is because of the lying. I went through a phase in my life where I lied...a lot. But, Joe Gideon largely lied to get his own way. Most of my lies were feeble, even stupid, attempts to try and please others, to give them what they wanted. Perhaps though, being an incompetent father is worse than being an abusive one.

Motive is always more important than actions if you insist upon judging others. I'm not a saint. But, also, I am not the malicious villain those who would exploit my failings to justify their own arrogances would make me out to be.

My point about the film is that it is beautiful, engaging, and contains one of the greatest acting performances of all time: Roy Scheider as Joe Gideon, a man so consumed by his own creative juices that he has given over even his survival instincts to fulfilling them. Add to that the amazing (sigh) Ann Reinking as his long-suffering girlfriend, Leland Palmer as his bitter ex-wife and Erzsebet Foldi as his critical but loving daughter (Michelle, in part from whom I cribbed my own daughter's middle name)...oh, and a resurgent (her career was all but destroyed by "King Kong") Jessica Lange as the Angel of Death, whose dialogues with Gideon give us real insight into where he came from and what drives him.

Self-indulgent? As self-indulgent as any public release of a private moment of catharsis in the name of art, be it a song, a poem, or a painting. Insightful? Yes, but it is only confirming the diagnosis: Creativity can be addictive and also a vent. Who knows if creative creates the self-consuming impulse or if the self-consuming impulse finds creativity? I don't pretend to...I just know they do spoon at night.

There are several quote from the film I love:

"To be on the wire is life. Everything else is just waiting." (I hate not being on the wire.)

"Sometimes I don't know where the bullshit ends and the truth begins." (You try living a major lie for a few years, as I have been repeatedly asked to do, and not find it corroding your very concept of truth...it's rough.)

"Do you believe in love?" "I believe in saying 'I love you'...when it works." (Tough one, my life has been an effort to define love, and I'm still not closer to the goal than when I started.)


Yes, I do see myself in the Joe Gideon character, but not completely. I can find elements of myself in almost any character (sounds like an idea for a party game, draw a character name from a hat and name something you have in common with them: Darth Vader...hmmm...have betrayed people out of misguided love; Willy Wonka...let me see...have been suspected of being dangerous when only eccentric; Harry Potter...yikes!...have sometimes found myself so much larger than life in some people's eyes that the other guy gets the girl; Don Vito Corleone...that one's easy...struggling with a "later in life" weight problem.)

I have asked, repeatedly, that the only music to be played at my funeral is the final number from "All That Jazz": "Bye, Bye Love" as performed by Roy Scheider and Ben Vereen (a terrific performance)...I would actually like to go out like that, but I'll settle for the background music.

And, to be honest, sometimes when I am facing a rough day I climb out of the shower, slip on my clothes, stand in front of the mirror and announce, with Scheider's voice echoing in my head:

"It's showtime, folks."