Isn't That Generous?

I was free associating, a habit and hobby of mine since time immemorial. And, all of a sudden...it occurred to me. My life isn't "All That Jazz" or "The Lion in Winter" or "Fight Club" or "The Usual Suspects"...

it's "Labyrinth".

-ack- (best "Bill the Cat" impression)

It's not that I don't like that film, I enjoy it immensely (hey, it has David Bowie AND Jennifer Connelly + muppets!). But I spun in from an aspect of Sarah's speech at the end...and it opened a whole epiphany about my universe. In some ways, I have played the role of the Goblin King, Jareth, in my relationships, always trying to be what the other person wants or expects...to the point of actually having no say over the situation when that is realized...consider his final speech to this girl, whom he has lured to his city and forced to quest against incredible beasties...

"Everything that you wanted I have done. You asked that child be taken. I took him. You cowered before me and I was frightening. I have reordered time. I have turned the world upside down. AND I HAVE DONE IT ALL FOR YOU! I am exhausted from living up to your expectations."

She responds by pointing out he has no power over her (her epiphany that destroys the fantasy she is enhmeshed in, sort of an 80's "Wizard of Oz" awakening).

Then again, in some situations, I have been the Sarah to another's Jareth. It is in that moment when you realize who really controls things that things become unstuck. No one has power over you unless you surrender it to them. I have done so in the past, I will probably do so again. But I have erred in surrendering myself, in allowing others to define me. I have permitted lies to fester because I'd rather be scapegoated than see others harmed by them being revealed in their falshoods. That some have taken advantage of this free pass is not a statement of my character, but of theirs. It is wounding to overestimate people you love.

I am quite fragile now, I know this. The desertions of certain individuals has robbed me of much of the emotional underpinning I was built upon. The return to Morgantown has compounded the financial shellacking I took trying to please the whims of others in moving repeatedly. I am exhausted trying to live up, not to my own impossible standards, but to aberrant standards fo others. If you are the wind, you can be still or a mighty hurricane, but you cannot be a rock, no matter how much someone tries to talk you into becoming one.

Fragile is a relative term to my worldview, my Weltanschauung.

Besides, I've always wanted a Goblin City of mine own.