indecisive aftermath

This is my Senior picture from high school...wow, was I ever that boy? In some ways, no. In some ways, I still am.

I've noticed, in the aftermath of my second divorce, that I've lost some degree of confidence in my ability to make good decisions (not that my decision-making skills have ever been my strong suit!) and actually, it is probably more a direct result of my reflection on my second marriage than on the divorce itself, which I consider one of the finest bits of low-key extrication I've ever done. I realized it was irretrievably broken and did my best to clear the field with the minimum of real (as opposed to perceived) damage all around...I had to take my lumps, get a few new scars. I know on many levels my actions are difficult to defend...but the results are inarguable and...well, for the full story on THAT particular chapter of my life, you'll just have to buy my memoir when it comes out next year.

Textbook definition for Catalyst: A substance, usually used in small amounts relative to the reactants, that modifies and increases the rate of a reaction without being consumed in the process.

So what do you call a substance (or person) that removes itself from a formula while maintaining the original reactions? Irrelevent?

Anyway, when faced with even a simple choice, I find myself hesitating...not normal fare for a man whose legend includes more than one "Jesus and the Moneychangers" moments. I am used to being the one who acts ahead of the curve and lets others pick up the pieces, now I find myself hanging back. Actually, when I think of it, this may go back to my first marriage and divorce, as my second marriage was a reactive relationship. I never made the first move, from first kiss to proposal, I went along, content that I was serving a need and therefore would be content.

Ah, time for more reflection. It is sort of like solo therapy, I am slowly coming to the nut, the root, and once I have found it, I know my persuasion skills within myself, I shall be able to build a shell about it so that it is not longer a part of my thought processes.

It will be nice to be me again.