becoming me

What a remarkable world. Truly remarkable. I was jut reflecting on that, on some of the beautiful things I have been witness to and part of. I understand how someone can feel lost or overwhelmed in the moment, but when you pull back and see what there is, really is, out there, it is a miracle.

I feel sorry, in a non-condescending, empathetic way, for those mired in their pain, in their fear, in their hate. They don't get it...and unfortunately, it probably isn't their fault that they don't get it. Experience sometimes teaches us faux conclusions about the nature of the world, the meaning of life, the intentions of others, and we believe what is convenient to believe.

I know of no one, no one, that I hate. Anger in the moment, yes, but hatred? I worked through that years ago. I had to, if I was to be any kind of sentient lifeform as I define it, or capable of helping others. One of the biggest complaints a former lover had about me was that I'd put myself out for a stranger, or even someone who had wounded me or those I love. I gae my office numbr to the man who had been trading her drugs for sex and told him if her ever needed help, to call. Then I told him to go away and never bother her again.

Is there any other way to be and still take any pride in being human? I can only shake a sad head when I hear of others surrendering their dignity, their souls, their lives, to fear and hatred. My friend Thomas calls me the most fearless human being he has ever met, and if you knew the kind of life he has lived, that's an incredible label. I have my neuroses, my doubts, but on what he considers the big stuff I wake up every morning ready to lay it out there. Fearless is a great compliment, as I believe fear to be the great disabler, but it also makes me reckless and foolish sometimes.

I have had lovers I will never unlove (I don;t stop loving, that's not possible for who or what I am) leave me for that aspect of who and what I am. I have been criticized, accused, smacked down and kicked for being fearless, for loving everyone, even those whom I have come face to face with who have sought my pain, or the pain of those I love and protect. That's not to say I haven't also had all those things happen to me at times when I truly deserved it, because I have. I'm still working on me, still making adjustments with the tools I can fashion from the materials life places in my path.

I'm not giving up, giving out, or giving in.

To my daughter, whom I love all the more for her absence from my life, I will be at your wedding. To the lover who made the right choice between me and her children, I am always here for you if you need a friend. To the lover who was disappointed when her genie only saved her life but didn't make her rich, I'm sorry, but if there is ever anything I can do for you, you can find me, I do not hide.

To anyone and everyone who has either lied to me or about me, or who has, for convenience's sake, believed a lie about me, you are forgiven. I'm laying down some baggage, because I don't want to walk this road for the rest of the distance and the time left to me, I want to run it, unfettered with the madness of other people's follies.

I just want to be me, as God perceives me to be when I am at my best.