random, mad dreams and self-analysis

I had a dream last night.

A thousand creatures ran about, some of them familiar to me, some strange, even impossible. But all seemed to have purpose...and the music. The music was the same carousel tune I heard in the dream of the three panthers (I got an interesting interpretation of that dream from a Psych grad student out in the Midwest the other day...I wonder if she's single? You know me and psychologists...)

The music sped up, as if heading for a resolution, a climax...the creatures accelerated their frolics...and suddenly I saw the pattern in their motions. I could anticipate their movements...all were following very specific kata...then those creatures of similar movements began to be more obvious to me...the relationship between them was so obvious...and I began to move with them. First one group, then another. There were larger groups, stronger groups, and despite physical similarities and dissimilarities, the movement was the common factor.

I see dreams not as a psychic messenger, but a psychological messenger...when you aren't listening enough to your preconscious, it takes advantage of your sleeping hours to try and spell it out.

I think, instead of going into the recording sessions planning for a half dozen podcast shows, I will focus on moving with the animals of a single pattern at a time...two shows, maximum, tomorrow...themes? a primer of my better-known works and some of the stronger romantic-erotic works.

...and a dove descended...

By the way, I have ascertained that indeed, I am certainly holding back, emotionally, in the aftermath of my divorce. I'm not doing what some do, seeking out people who reinforce my views (indeed, I argue with those who feel Ann was a mistake to begin with...I often find myself in this position, actually defendng people who would not defend me, directly or indirectly. I'm not saint, but I have a good heart and a very positive IQ and I can see most sides of most issues...and empathize. Hate is uncomfortable to me, and fear for myself. Fear for the safety of others, no...unfortunately this often takes on such a generalized concern or love for the world that those closest to me become discouraged that I would not only take a bullet for them, but for a stranger, as well...I would think that those who choose to move in my sphere would want me to be the best person possible...but there are different definitions of "best" usually involving what they want. Sad. Truly sorrowful.) I am seeking truth, not validation.

I would rather lose, knowing the best person had won, than "win" knowing I was not the best. Winning is an illusion for selfish children.

Have much to do...wanted to share the dream and get some traction on my day, emotionally. A great deal of physical pain to cope with today, my self-diagnosis is gout...needle-sharp uric acid crystals in the joints of my feet. Walking is very difficult, running impossible, without an effort of will that tests my self-definition. I will need to do what I can to resolve this problem...

When the game is over, the war begins.