the horror...the horror...

I woke this morning feeling like Martin Sheen in the opening scene of "Apocalypse Now!"...a soliloquy in my head playing as a stream of urgent unconscious proddings.

...Morgantown... shit; I'm still only in Morgantown.... Every time I think I'm gonna wake up back in the city. When I was in Mississippi before my divorce, it was worse. I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly asked for anything from my wife, until I asked for a divorce. When I was in Venice, I wanted to be back East; when I was back East, all I could think of was getting back into the city. I'm here a year now... waiting for a purpose.... getting softer; every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker...each time I look around, the walls move in a little tighter...

You get the idea. Too many compromises have been made, are being made, will be made. I wasn't put on this Earth to sit in a corner and wait for the stroke of midnight, to wait for the worms. That would be an abomination of my life, an insult to God. Maybe I am meant to be so restless, always, that I punch myself out against the Fates and the Norns and the Muses. I sure as hell won't find out working grunt jobs for the benefits and falling deeper into debt every second of every minute of every hour of every day...

Yes, I have accomplished some remarkable things. Three beautiful children, saved a few lives, inspired a few people, written a few (ironic laugh) things...but the war is far from over. I still want the ball, I still want to be relevant to the point of attack.

The podcasting hub for my poetry and that of other peers is up now...not as grand as I wanted it to be on day one, but it will get there. I have to set the Christmas specials in my bookstore, then I can focus on everything else. An artist acquaintance of mine, Frida, whose blogs are full of her interesting portraiture, makes me feel even more restless.

...everyone gets what he wants. I wanted a mission...and for my sins...

I'm just restless because it's November 1st. Nancy would understand.

Time to find a new Rubicon to ford. Time to love again. To dream again. And, ultimately, to be, again.