To quote the immortal Rick Derringer

"I'm still alive and well
I'm still alive and well
Every now and then I know it's kind of hard to tell
But I'm still alive and well."

Eleven years ago, today, I was in the hospital, having checked myself in whilst dealing with extreme exhaustion. I was working at a brutal level in a technology job, going through a divorce, dealing with the loss of my best friend (my daughter, Peri) and my girlfriend had just split on me. Oh, and had just signed away my financial status, in a buy out for my freedom.

And people wonder where I got my grit? I had to find it, or die by the side of the road. Last night my ex apologized to me for putting me in "this dangerous position". I told her, with no bravado, that I've seen worse.

Sit, motionless and sleepless, on the edge of a bed in a crack hotel while your girlfriend is unconscious on a random selection of prescription drugs, and you can hear the breathing of the dealer, in the hall, by the door, pondering whether or not to come for her and you.

Walk a half mile, in a long sleeved shirt and down vest, in a blizzard with a wind chill below zero, to the nearest house to see if there is anyone home to call a tow truck while your wife and baby daughter sit in the car, twenty feet off the road and down an embankment.

You get used to people relying on you. It would be nice, once in a while, to be taken care of, if only for a day or two. But I am not sure I'd be able to appreciate it.

Sometimes, I just get tired. We live in a world of spiritual roadkill, where excellence is a cause for embarrassment and hope is something you are cruel for giving someone. Where the money needed to fix our schools instead goes to arms manufacturers so we can blow up schools overseas. Where Christians kill. Where lovers lose their way. Where having a dream is a treatable diagnosis.

This is one screwed up planet.