a miner for a heart of gold
The other day, an acquaintance of mine who knows my devotion to speaking the truth, came out and asked me how many women I had been with.
I answered, honestly. The reaction I got was disappintment on two levels. The first, that the number was so low (after all, I am the "Romantic Poet of the Internet" and should spend every weekend up to my eyebrows in nubile Lit majors) and the other was disappointment that it was so high. That was mostly from me.
I am not a bedpost-notcher. I earnestly wish I could look history in the eye and say "one" in answer to that question. That I cannot is one of the nagging aches in my heart. I believe in monogamy. That I have twice failed to achieve a lasting realtionship in marriage, the first largely through my own fault, does not shake my faith in the institution, anymore than the blustering self-righteous perversion of the Christian faith by our current administration diminishes my belief in God.
I am...disappointed. In both ways, from both sides. There is that shaded part of me that wishes the number was substantially higher, that I had taken many of the opportunities offered to me and lived life like a beer commercial.
But I have seen that aspect of me when I let him out to play (one more reason why I do not drink...I think he would find a crevice to slither through while my brain would be fighting off the toxins) and for the most part I am just sad I could not seem to make it work, thus far. I still have unshakeable hope, if not faith, that it can still happen in my lifetime. I just need to find someone able worthy of my efforts, strong enough to not play games and true enough to believe in herself and me.
In my experience, a rare and fair combination. But to quote the immortal Neil Young "I've been searching for a heart of gold...and I'm gettin' old". I'm not trying to make it happen, and will not consider my life a failure if it does not.
But, wouldn't that be something worth writing about?
2 comments:
I watched the roller coaster of your emotions go up and down today.
Your ability to share yourself openly with so many is a gift to us all, and one you choose to use to define who you are ?
Retiring your gift will not set you free to find that true love which we all seek, it may close your mind to the possiblilitiy that it even exists. May be just rearranging the way that you use that gift, spending less time publishing and editing as you have said drains you, will allow you more freedom to feel refreshed and interactive in your own life? We all need to learn to take it easy on ourselves.....and then who we expect that others want us to be may not be as astronomical as it seems. Then again...minds like ours figure this all out on our own, eventually and I see you making these revelations in your writing.....It is painful for sure but it is a gift and one that we all wish we could return at some time or another. When the train that is you starts to run away .......step off and be a passenger for a while, you can always jump back on at the next stop! After all, it is your journey and you are in charge, we all are just the benefactors of your gift which you chose to share in writing about your beautiful ride. I have never physically met you and that may never occur but I have read what you post on the internet and some of your works. I believe that you are a wonderful and intuitive soul. Call me bold to have written you this way but the connection that I feel warranted my input and ultimately made me hit send. It's my opinion that fate can not be manipulated and the stress that we cause ourselves in trying to make choices that lead us to it's bounty......makes our ride not our own but one that we have created in the path of what will be. Phew......that was hard, but I'm glad I said it. Maybe I will sleep better tonight?
You are pretty insightful for a nameless, faceless apparition. But it has been my experience that such creatures generally are heralds of truth. Yes, I tend to push myself so far as to exhaust myself. Unhealthy, perhaps, but sprinters are winded after a 100 meter race in which they gave their all and no one calls them foolish. Add to everything else the fact that, in the absence of a sustaining or reinvigorating relationship, even illusory, in my life, I am allowing myself to get drained, both by my work and by my constant involvement in other people's problems. It is a bad habit of mine that when someone asks for my help, they get it...I say that with tongue planted firmly in cheek. I do not consider it a bad thing, but it is debilitating...I play Dutch Uncle to so many lost souls, the magic gloves of TS Garp doing their work... I will relent and return, probably before I even actually step away. A return to my spiritual center, the deserts of Southern California, may be necessary. I can, in hours, there, restore myself more than in a month where I am now...
Post a Comment