standing at my door
Last evening I had dinner with my old friend Anastacia, and the topic turned to my social life. I explained to her the complexities of it at this time, that I am between relationships, even though I am on some levels very committed to a lover-muse who is "in absentia" (once I explained the situation, she actually approved).
But then she asked me a curious and difficult question. If one of my past loves were to show on my doorstep this evening and say "Come with me and be with me for the rest of your life"...who would i say yes and who would I say no to?
With the caveat that reality plays perverse tricks on a man, here's the answers I gave to her:
Psyche: Yes.
Valkyrie: No. But we remain friends.
Panther: Hell, no! (Ana laughed at this response)
The Mad Gypsy: Yes.
The Angel: No.
The Wisp: Yes.
Black Jasmine: Yes.
The Goldenheart: Yes.
Suede: I would have as of a few months ago, but having seen her politics, no.
The Leopard: Not bloody likely.
Brigit: I grimaced and swore, then admitted I would probably, with counseling.
Pink Jade: Yes.
The Siren: Without a doubt.
The "No" votes are due to hard earned wisdom of either our severe incompatibility or a character flaw in them I cannot abide. It does not mean I do not love them, just that I don't want to create a bad situation, all around.
I politely declined to discuss what would happen if 2, or all, of them showed up at the same time. Just as well. And I note that, in its own way, the dream of the three panthers has come true in my life. Never trust a jungle cat with your heart. They feed, crap it out, then bury the waste to pretend they never fed at all and were never there.
4 comments:
You have reminded me, William, of advice that a gentleman gave me this summer. He told me to ask a man what animal he would choose to be. If he chose a predator, I should run like hell.
I appreciate your appreciation of those women that you would not allow back in your life. You have a deep reverence for beauty and love and you accept that there is no perfection per se. If only we could all be so gracious. : )
What about Aurora?
I understand that she is in Morgantown, and available.
Ouch. Either an ancient anger rises to strike at me, or someone ignorantly makes sport.
There is a difference between a mistake and a muse.
...but ouch.
Knowing who undoubtably it was who made that comment (an exaggeration, the suspect list is 5...but nonetheless...), that smarts in a way that triggers a cascade of sorrows. I either can fight the shadows, or dive into them, causing a writing spasm.
I don't have time to write right now, damn you, so I must swallow the bile and vapours and trust not be consumed by them.
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