turn ons include puppies, sunsets and people who care...

It is an old cliche for people to list their turn-ons and turn-offs. I am not wishing to be a cliche.

But Laurie Wielenga (Or is it Weilenga, I can never keep it straight, that's what editors are for)...who was my editor for INVOCATO, as well as being a former protege, sent me a list the other day that someone had sent her in which you stated whether certain things about the opposite sex were turn-ons or turn-offs.

At E.J.'s urging I decided to post my responses here, along with some commentary, for those interested in what makes a mind like mine tick, roll over, beg and burst into flames. For the purposes of this questionaire I am sticking to the definition of a female humanoid as a "girl", even though my tastes run much more strongly to what I would call "women"

GUYS: Turned ON or OFF when a girl:

dresses like a slut: Depends on the girl (some would say Ann dressed like one sometimes, I thought it was just colourful)
dresses like a grandma: Depends on the girl (There can be a thin line between stylishly conservative (hot) and matronly (not))
dresses like a prep: Depends on the girl (depends on how well she carries it off)
dresses in all black: On (I like monochromatics and intensity)
doesn't care what she wears: Depends on the girl (some can carry off apathy, some can't)
sings: Depends on the girl (all the time? in concert? in bed? what?)
plays a musical instrument: Depends on the instrument (French Horn: turn on, Tuba: turn off)
is skinnier than you: On (I tend towards anorexic women, it's my tastes)
is bigger than you: Off (I am somewhat out of shape, a woman at my weight would be unsightly)
is taller than you: On (I like tall women...Jan and Brigit were boith 5'10"...Dar was 5'9"...Nancy 5'8")
has straight teeth:On (preferable to really nasty, crooked teeth and no teeth)
wears braces: Very on (long story, has to do with an old girlfriend and kissing)
has green eyes: On (they get to me, what can I say?)
has blue eyes: Neutral (too common anymore)
has brown eyes: Neutral (really light and really dark brown eyes are very nice)
has long hair: On (yes, I love long hair on women...)
has short hair: On (really short hair can be as hot as really long hair)
drinks alcohol: Off (I am not saying a woman who drinks is not acceptable, I just don't sleep with women who are drunk or even a little tipsy, and I like sex)
smokes cigarettes: On (although I find it disgusting, it's programmed into me, Nancy smoked...)
smokes pot: Off (she's willing to break the law when it pleases her, is she willing to break a promise to you for her own whim?)
wears glasses: Depends on the girl (depends on the glasses, too...)
has blonde hair: Depends on the girl (I've only dated two blondes, and only one was "real")
has brown hair: Depends on the girl (the bulk of my experience)
has black hair: Depends on the girl (never dated anyone with truly black hair...not sure)
has red hair: On (no comment, but you know who you are, both of you)
is tan: On (I think a tan looks good, but it is not a prerequisite)
works out: On (I like a woman who is fit and has endurance...)
smiles more than not: On (it indicates a happy soul)
calls you just to say "Hi!": On (I like being liked)
smacks your butt: On (friendly, playful, willing to be publicly affectinate, I can live with that)
compliments you: On (nice to be appreciated: have not met many who are complimentary...maybe it's just me)
shaves her legs: On (I like helping a woman shave her legs...and I like to help her wash her hair, too)
wears jewelry: Neutral (depends on if she gets ridiculous about it)
has bigger feet than you: Off (unless they are webbed and she breathes water)
has smaller feet than you: Neutral (I'm not that into feet)
wears perfume: Depends on the perfume and how much (I have definite likes in women's scents)
smiles when you walk into the room: On (nice to be made to feel welcome)
wants to be a mom: Neutral (I am still pondering this, I would not rule out more kids)
Has a nice stomach: On (kissable?)
Belly piercing: Neutral (haven't been with one like this...would consider it...)
Virgin: Neutral (don't deserve one, never had one, wouldn't say no to one)
Loyal: Very on (too many backstabbers I've had to break away from over the years...be nice to be able to trust someone)
Laid back: Depends on the girl (I can chill)
Doesn't party a lot: Depends on the girl (define Party...)
laughs a lot: Depends on the girl (if her laugh is a snort, no...)
doesn't care about what ppl think about her: On (autonomy is hot)
believes in love at first sight/fate: On (I believe in it...)
talkative: Depends on the girl (depends on what she talks about)
rich: Depends on the girl (not against money, but I'm not a gold-digger)
has a booty: Neutral (butts aren;t my thing, but if everything else worked well...)
has nice boobs: Neutral (Some define "nice" as large, I define them as esthetically pleasing...)
long legs: On On On On On (the legends persist)
is white/caucasian: Depends on the girl (I wouldn't rule another race out)
asian: Depends on the girl (never dated one, although I have met some I wouldn't hesitate to ask out if our paths crossed when I am single)
black: Depends on the girl (one of the greatest "ones that got away" was Elizabeth, the funny, sweet, bright, gorgeous black assistant to my boss a few years ago...)
latina: Depends on the girl (Never really dated one, although living in Salinas as long as I did, I was exposed to them...some were very intriguing)

Oh, and monogamy, integrity and creativity all are big with me.

getting old...losing me edge (right...)

I was whipping on EJ for missing some mistakes in some editing (actually, I was just ticked because I promised not to read his post from Sunday for 2 days, which proves I'm an idiot)...

and I was also putting together a short note to local people about my reading this Wednesday.

and, er, I flubbed it. In the heading I was fine...but in the body I referred to this Wednesday as April 17 (and no, Anastacia, MS Word (which, by the way, I teach, so I know the tools) would not have caught "April", so there, nyah!)

I got a note back from one person already, I figure the rest will just ignore it, if I am lucky.

sigh.

spoke with Csaba last night. great guy. I told him to come to reading and to bring his girlfriend (they had attended my read at the Zen Clay in April) he said they weren't together anymore (peoples reasons are their own...so I never judge relationships, unless they are abusive)...yes, I have to admit there was a little voice in the back of my head that said "ask if she's seeing anyone" which sort of became like that running joke in "Better Off Dead" where everyone comes to John Cusack to see if he'd mind if they asked out his ex... I withstood the temptation and left it at that.

Got my official shipment of THE COMPLEAT PANTHER CYCLES that I'm going to distribute to the worthies...one to each of the writers of forewords, one to Mari for her marvelous back cover text and of course, one to Jillian Ann for her gracing the cover and internal art (and yes, I keep wanting to call her Ann Jillian, whom I had a crush on back in the day)...thanks, guys. I'm also adding one to the "Malt on the Mon" silent auction and, should they show at the reading, donating one to the Morgantown Public Library.

reading prep and the essence of self-doubt

I'm thinking out loud here, so if you have any feedback, feel free to drop me a note at williamfdevault@cityoflegends.com or here...

I'm working on my readbook for the August 17th gig...20 poems...I've already pretty much settled on them, but am going over them right now, trying to decide how to prepare to do each one (this may change due to whim or women)...

• I Will Walk These Streets Again: This one opens the show. I need to do it very openly, not too arch, but with some passion and thoughtfulness.
• Sonnet: A Vintage Passion: Despite the theme, remembrance of teenage sex, this one neds to be done reverentially. As it is a sonnet, I need to be careful to make sure it flows and doesn't come across too structured.
• First Date Blues: A sense of humour. Yes. Self-effacing. It will be interesting if any of the women I am referring to in this work are actually in the audience, which is possible.
• Local Talent: Here's one for the tourist board to be happy with. I need to do this with life, but not so much as to seem sappy.
• Damascus, Movement 3: Gently, passionately, and without the sense of irony that this work, in retrospect, must provide. It was an illusion, again.
• The Darker Angels: Edgy, this is the first chance to show some of the ruby-blue metal. Suggest it, but don't brandish it, too much...save that for later.
• Cithara Song, Strummed Lightly as the Sun Leaps the Horizon: Had I known then what I know now, I would've followed her from the restaurant. But this needs to be a celebration of the moment of my attraction to her and the possibiltiies suggested by her kiss. She re-entered my life at my most vulnerable moment, the summer of 1998. I made my choice, I do not regret that choice. I think I can take some resolve from the fact that, when the chips were down, I showed character and faith and commitment. Damn it, I bet the wrong horse, it seems.
• From Out of the City: Now we get to bring the thunder. The prophetic tone of this piece (and the rumours that it was about September 11, even though it was written years before the incident) gives me a chance to bring it.
• Horizon: Sigh. I tend to sometimes overwork this piece in readings. I need to be careful, but let it flow.
• Hold You: Perhaps the most nakedly (heh heh heh I said naked) sentimental piece in this set. I need to adopt a seductive, conversational tone. Almost like it is my side of a discussion.
• The Fifth Song of the Amomancer: Maybe too grand for the venue...but, screw it, it is one of my best recent works and if the audience is unappreciative, it does not reflect on me, but on them. I will try to bring this one to life with a more "spoken word" rhythm, like Larry Jaffe at his best. (Hey, Larry, I plugged you...now smile)
• I Rained Poetry: This is the litmus test of if I am in the right space. I do this right and the heavens will open, I do this wrong and the atomic crickets will be heard for miles. Damn, I was I had Nancy or Ann or Karla to lean on, Wednesday.
• Soubrette: Short, eloquent, maybe a bit too elegant for the crowd I am anticipating (more Sandburg than Blake or Shelley). I need to avoid being too dreamy in my delivery, but still invoke the ethereality of this work.
• Feasting on Memory: I think a little body language will work well with this one, illustrating it as I go. I think this one shall be fun to do.
• The Patchwork Skirt of My Love: Wow. This one and "Love Gods" back to back. I'm screwed. And not in the nice, sweaty middle of the night with incense and silk way. This will require a lot from mi solo cajone. I'll get through it by stepping up to it.
• Love Gods of a Forgotten Religion: Here is the focus mark...to do this poem just I will need to be somewhere else, out of body, out of room, out of mind...I may turn lose some darker energies on this one and see what they weave.
• PC73: The Reich of Self-Discipline: I've never performed this one before. Great sorrow and intellect behind this one. I shall probably weep.
• PC13: The Panther on the Beach: And then I have to do a villanelle. Oh joy. This one is the leading contender for "I think I'll wimp out and substitute less tripping"...When I hear it in my head, it needs a Greek chorus. Damn Greek choruses, never one around when you need one.
• PC65: The Common Tongue: This one will probably be greeted with looks of dull confusion, but WTF? It makes a point and it is well written. I seem to always end up burning more energy holding back than I would cutting loose.
• PC74: Pride of Authorship: A good capper to the evening. Not perfect, but strong and thoughtful.

Now, I need an encore piece, something to run in if the moment is with me...probably a piece I have committed to memory.

Or maybe...

Happy Birthday, My Electric Lady

Many years ago, early in my relationship with Nancy, I wrote my first "totem" work. At the time, and for years after, the relationship was strong. But the poem I wrote was written from the standpoint of a man (?) expressing regret over a parting, a parting caused by the dichotomy between who he was and what he wanted to have.

At the time, Nancy had this lovely t-shirt, dark blue, and on it was an illustration of a Japanese woman, holding a parasol, in bright, light blue...electric blue, almost. Nancy called it her "electric lady" shirt.

One evening, while sitting in her study, talking, I went over to her typewriter and wrote a couple of pieces...this was one of them.

My Electric Lady

dance for me, my electric lady.
sing a song that gently soothes my soul.
tomorrow I must leave your world again, my love...
as I strive to reach this endless journey's goal.

I once gave up my poor and mortal birthright,
so that I might touch the sky and see true things.
my love, I'm not so sure I would have started,
if I could have seen the pain this voyage brings.

once again, my electric lady,
touch me and bring forth my too-rare smile.
for the moment I am just another mortal-
and a little love will last me quite a while.

if we had only met before the present,
and what is gone had made me what I am,
a love would be that all who live might envy-
but I cannot come back this way again.

for the final time, my electric lady...
give me all that I may take within my vow.
tomorrow is my child and a gift to the stars-
and the night is just my brother here and now.


William F. DeVault. all rights reserved.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
How little I knew that, when I wrote this, it would become the truth in a few years, when she asked me to consider giving up "this writing thing" because "poetry will never make a comeback as a commercial artform, and you will grow old and bitter, and I can't stand to see the man I love that way".

Nancy, Happy Birthday.

I am older, if not old, and any bitterness I might have in my heart has nothing to do with poetry and audiences and money. Had I remained with you, who knows what would have come into the world? Maybe more for me, maybe less, I am sure your husband is grateful for our parting (your Mother was, she made me swear, on her sickbed, to never seek a reconciliation with you, an oath that screwed me up for years). Be strong, be well, and be the person you were meant to be, as I have had to be the person I was meant to be.

"Tomorrow is my child..."